Holiday Hangover

14000km later I'm home, I took my annual motorcycle vacation snaking my way from Alberta to the tip of Cape Cod, back through eastern Canada and hundreds of back road destinations inbetween. The one thing about motorcycling is there is a lot of thought time alone in one's head as you travel along. The scenery is always changing but everywhere I go I take me. The visual of someone in full leather on a Harley conjures up a lot of perceptions about a person but when I'd get to talking to another motorcyclist the stories gravitated towards the same thing; we have a need to belong,cherish security, to feel safe and content within our own skin. There were times I was totally ok being out there on the road then the time comes where you simply need the interaction and conversation of another human being; I tried to figure that one out but never came up with an answer. I've tried to be a lone wolf on the road and I'm not, I've tried to be a this or a that and if it's not really me it doesn't last. I found the less complicated I kept the trip the better things seemed to turn out, which in retrospect had nothing to do with the trip at all. I found that now that my youngest has graduated high school, with all my children out on their own, doing well and making their own stories, this change of life is ovewheliming and perplexing; shouldn't there be this sense of freedom that being unemcumbered brings, shouldn't my male bravado say I'm glad their gone, but where did the time go, should I stay in the house I live in;do I need 4 bedrooms for one person?I really wonder what now? I guess like the trip, just keep it simple, let things fall into place, don't plan the results and learn to embrace the change; all through my life change has been scary but everytime I look back it's always for the best. As I unloaded the last of my riding gear, my daughter and her fiance unexpectedly showed up, I gave her a hug and to myself I thought, "yeah", you're still my little girl, albeit a full grown woman in university, still feels good to hug you. I've spent the last few days catching up, letting things fall into place, taking my time with some of the thoughts that will affect the future, but we'll see where it all takes me. Robert.

Base Camp Everest, to the Summit; I did it!!!

I stand, not a word is spoken, I avoid their eyes as I leave the security of those around me. I have mentally prepared myself for this moment, this ascent, many times over. Althought the light is dim I can see "the summit".The trek; initially it starts out well, then I feel each step becoming heavier, from one, one thousand pound footstep to another, my pride will not allow me to turn back, I have come so far. Continuing, my peripheral vision is starting to close; tunnel vision, all I see is what lies ahead. I feel each heartbeat, stepping between each reverberation to save my strength, the Lion Dance Drum beat is nothing compared to the pounding within. As I progress, the lack of oxygen is starting to pull at my lungs, searing and seizing with each breath. I try to calculate the distance, but my senses are starting to fade, yet my soul screams "you can do this", I cannot feel, smell, sound starts to become fictional, my vision blurs, yet I continue. Time has become irrelevent, I feel I need to stop, but stopping would mean failure. After many uncountable steps the journey is complete, I stand at "the summit", and in a split second of thought I realize I'm vulnerable,alone, imploding, sweating with nervousness, my head turns, our eyes meet and with all the confidence of a man standing on the far right of the evolution chart, I ask, "would you like to dance"? She say's, "sure" and in my minds eye I plunge my flag of conquest into "my Mount Everest". As we went around on the dance floor we both laughed at my quest, "what if I would have said no" she says"? Wouldn't have mattered, my success was in the asking"! As I returned to base(my table), my children gave me the "way to go Dad, didn't think you had it in you" kudos, I even had to grin myself. One of my biggest mountains, my "Mount Everest" is, I've always had trouble walking up to an unknown woman and asking her to dance, but there you go, considering I have the social skills of a a stump, anythings doable with a bit of courage. Robert Tymchuk.

The Ultimate Opponent

It's been a while since I've posted, I've been up against the toughest opponent I've come across in a while. I've battled him before, hope not to again for sometime soon, but I made it through. The opponent; "depression", it takes you down from the inside when everything on the outside looks and appears to be intact. I could try to describe the last several weeks, but words provide a scant injustice to the emotional and physical roller coaster ride, but the one constant I kept front and foremost was "this experience will someday help another person". I also wondered about posting this, "the stigma", even though we've come a long way still exists, but life is not always easy. It starts slow; a restless sleep, I'm not as hungry as I usually am, little things start to be ignored or add up, but everyone goes through things like this, right? People start to notice you're not yourself, you're a bit out of your element, your nature is somewhat quieter,but everyone can have these times right(?), so you tell everyone you're fine and you and you even start to believe it yourself.Then one day like a swimmer caught in an undertow, you realize you are too far out and getting back is going to take all you've got. Those moments of imploding darkness drain your strength, confidence, dreams, goals and yet during this time I'm still able to dig in my heels and say, "where am I with this, what do I need to do to overcome this"? I'm really good at deflecting, putting on a happy face, with the " I'm fine" exponent, all the while having to talk myself through from moment to moment; "just get to work", "just make it through the warmup", "just try 10 pushups",just do what you need to do. There were times it was nonetheless frustrating, as I was also battling a drug resistant respiratory infection and you wonder how much more can you deal with. There was a couple of times I tried yelling at God ( as when things get rough I figure he's in the equation somewhere) but I highly doubt he's up there going, "Hey Moses, come here quick, look it's Robert,watch this!" After all that, like any other illness, it eventually passes by doing all the nessesary steps you need to take, but with me there is a residual denial of "it really wasn't that bad", yet it was. So getting back on track, the pushups and situps are coming on stronger with a "hey, I remember these" flow, writing is up on deck, my volunteer work which went a bit shakey has regained its strength( as I said earlier, this will someday help another person)and to perhaps pick up on all that is good around me, when I came home from class last Wednesday, I stuck my face in a freshly bloomed peony, inhaled its newness and thought "I've got it so good", onward and upward, Robert.

The blonde blue eyed girl

This past while it seems I have had a tasteless existence, nothing inspiring, fleeting moments of inspiration, then they disappear. I have been beating myself up with thoughts of "I really don't have much of a life", so what can I blog about? I've had this chest cold that keeps hanging on, the physiotherapist was not impressed at my rationalization of speeding up my recovery, people were not driving the way they should, everything seemed to be a trudge. What always has worked in the past is putting one foot in front of the other and acting "as if", even though I don't really want to. There were moments where I acted "as if" I really cared, empathized, tried showing brotherly love, tried being polite, yet there was that underlying feeling of "like I care", but somehow I knew there would be a moment that would get me out of myself and I could become the person my neighbors dog thinks I am. Walking off the mats last Thursday, one of the "Tiny Tigers" waves me over, then in the softest kindest voice "Here, I drew this for you". It was a picture of me in uniform; the detail; the stripes on my belt, the swollen hand, stubble on top of my head instead of hair, an expression on the characters face of how I've been feeling the last few days, all with the attempted position of me doing a form, from the eyes of a 5 year old. The hardness I carried around for the last few days melted away, I laughed so hard I almost cried, but what a release. I knelt down, gave her a hug and said "thank you", I wasn't able to explain all of the above, but as I watched this little blue eyed blonde girl bounce away, I was so greatful that my prayers had been answered. The rest of the night felt like I had a shower on the inside, all from a moment of kindness that a small child was able express through a simple drawing. The next day I was able to appreciate things in a more positive light, my attitude and actions towards all those around me were somewhat softer, more positive and although its a few days later I wonder if it was all meant to happen as it did, just when I needed it most. So thank you Miss Teagan for getting me out of me.

Tonight I Turned left....

At the end of the street from our school is a "stop" sign, turn right,get onto the highway,...drive home. Tonight I knew it was time to turn left, it was time to face someone I've hated and resented for at least 40+ years. One of my choices in the UBBT curriculum is to "mend 3 relationships" and for whatever reason I thought of my "Uncle"and could not shake him from my thoughts, no matter how much I tried to justify that he doesn't deserve the time of day from me, I knew it was beyond this and what was important was to clean up my side of the street.
Turning left, took me to the local hospital, the two minute drive seemed surreal, I felt an uneasyness, but also a calming sense of this has to be resolved. Walking into the ward, down the hall and into his room, I took in every step, breath, monitor beep and thought, as I needed to retain and let go of this moment all at the same time; there has always been the underlying thought that I knew we would have to sit in each others presence and make things right, I probably rehearsed tis conversation countless times. I had to keep in mind that I was not to cast blame or justify my past anger at the expense of another, but to make peace with the past itself.
We were able to talk as two men; from the uncle to the nephew, one man to another, one human being to another, one person at the end of his years, another mid life....no malice, just the common threads of compassion and forgiveness throughout the conversation. There were moments where I had to collect my thoughts and ask for a bit of guidance, but I think it was because we were both on unfamiliar ground. In the end, I was able to reach over, give him a hug, tell him how I felt and I do believe it turned out alright, no sooner or later than it was meant to be.
There were a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head after this, most of them now understood and answered with maturity, but still wondering how much time and effort was wasted all those years, when perhaps it could have been different. I do believe there is a lesson to be carried forward from this, time will surely prove it, that's it for today.