The blonde blue eyed girl

This past while it seems I have had a tasteless existence, nothing inspiring, fleeting moments of inspiration, then they disappear. I have been beating myself up with thoughts of "I really don't have much of a life", so what can I blog about? I've had this chest cold that keeps hanging on, the physiotherapist was not impressed at my rationalization of speeding up my recovery, people were not driving the way they should, everything seemed to be a trudge. What always has worked in the past is putting one foot in front of the other and acting "as if", even though I don't really want to. There were moments where I acted "as if" I really cared, empathized, tried showing brotherly love, tried being polite, yet there was that underlying feeling of "like I care", but somehow I knew there would be a moment that would get me out of myself and I could become the person my neighbors dog thinks I am. Walking off the mats last Thursday, one of the "Tiny Tigers" waves me over, then in the softest kindest voice "Here, I drew this for you". It was a picture of me in uniform; the detail; the stripes on my belt, the swollen hand, stubble on top of my head instead of hair, an expression on the characters face of how I've been feeling the last few days, all with the attempted position of me doing a form, from the eyes of a 5 year old. The hardness I carried around for the last few days melted away, I laughed so hard I almost cried, but what a release. I knelt down, gave her a hug and said "thank you", I wasn't able to explain all of the above, but as I watched this little blue eyed blonde girl bounce away, I was so greatful that my prayers had been answered. The rest of the night felt like I had a shower on the inside, all from a moment of kindness that a small child was able express through a simple drawing. The next day I was able to appreciate things in a more positive light, my attitude and actions towards all those around me were somewhat softer, more positive and although its a few days later I wonder if it was all meant to happen as it did, just when I needed it most. So thank you Miss Teagan for getting me out of me.

Tonight I Turned left....

At the end of the street from our school is a "stop" sign, turn right,get onto the highway,...drive home. Tonight I knew it was time to turn left, it was time to face someone I've hated and resented for at least 40+ years. One of my choices in the UBBT curriculum is to "mend 3 relationships" and for whatever reason I thought of my "Uncle"and could not shake him from my thoughts, no matter how much I tried to justify that he doesn't deserve the time of day from me, I knew it was beyond this and what was important was to clean up my side of the street.
Turning left, took me to the local hospital, the two minute drive seemed surreal, I felt an uneasyness, but also a calming sense of this has to be resolved. Walking into the ward, down the hall and into his room, I took in every step, breath, monitor beep and thought, as I needed to retain and let go of this moment all at the same time; there has always been the underlying thought that I knew we would have to sit in each others presence and make things right, I probably rehearsed tis conversation countless times. I had to keep in mind that I was not to cast blame or justify my past anger at the expense of another, but to make peace with the past itself.
We were able to talk as two men; from the uncle to the nephew, one man to another, one human being to another, one person at the end of his years, another mid life....no malice, just the common threads of compassion and forgiveness throughout the conversation. There were moments where I had to collect my thoughts and ask for a bit of guidance, but I think it was because we were both on unfamiliar ground. In the end, I was able to reach over, give him a hug, tell him how I felt and I do believe it turned out alright, no sooner or later than it was meant to be.
There were a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head after this, most of them now understood and answered with maturity, but still wondering how much time and effort was wasted all those years, when perhaps it could have been different. I do believe there is a lesson to be carried forward from this, time will surely prove it, that's it for today.